I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
