Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
