Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
