My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
