youre lurking in front of me
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
i think my cat just said my name.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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