woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
