Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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