ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
