my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
