Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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