She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize