why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
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