we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
