I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Randomize
