this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
