I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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