boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
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