I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
