My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
