So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
