I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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