You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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