i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
