im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize