The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
