I'm so fucking centered right now
I faked an abortion last night.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
