Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
home. puking in laundry basket.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
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