I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
