First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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