bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
