We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
