I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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