Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
