life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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