i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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