they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
