My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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