If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
