I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Randomize
