Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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