Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
