Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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