Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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