I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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