How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
