Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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