This girl is more easily done than said...
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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