I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
