I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i love accidental penises.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
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