We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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