On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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