He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
