He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
