Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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